The Leaving (Pt 2)

Sadness creeps in at the end of each day and I’ve got nothing and no one to save me. Can’t even rely on the self-pity that comes with mourning your give-a-fucks for me because I’ve known for a while now that you’re all out. Or maybe you never had them to begin with. Is the chair that sits next to me too uncomfortable for you?

You’re tired and time will just make you more tired. You’re tired of me being sad, I know you won’t come around when I feel crazy. There’s no more room for me to be anything but a delight, a pleasure. There’s no room for my darkness, no room for me to mess up and no shoulder to cry on.

You listen but you keep me at arm’s distance. I don’t know how to inhabit this space. It makes me hate you and it makes me hate myself. But when I leave you accuse me of not caring. You can’t see that I’m just trying to live somewhere that doesn’t hurt so much.

I’m alone. But maybe that’s what I need after all this time.

violent means to a soft place

I don’t mind when it gets to be too much

When it hurts just a bit

I’ve learned to relax around the pain

How good it feels to be taken, to give in

Allow it to hurt

Allow myself to like it

 

And I can’t help myself

 

As maddening as you are, nothing keeps me tethered to this bed like those thick hands around my throat

 

You release, I flinch

Don’t make me beg for it

 

But then you clasp them around me once more

I watch you study me beneath you

Curious to see my struggle

Oh, but I’ve learned not to struggle, and I’m never afraid of you

I’ve learned not to fear

To let breath escape me, just for a time

 

I hear your breath quicken

Excited by my submission, the darkening of my face

I take one last look at you, what you’re doing to me

 

I couldn’t stop you if I tried

 

My body pinned while I escape

Into soft plumes, up, up

You release me again, just when I need you to

A single hand

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