I’m sitting here having a conversation with a man in my head, explaining to him why I haven’t been writing (because I’m afraid that he might perceive my over availability as a lack of ambition, which may be true). And I’m hoping to god that I have these conversations with men in my head just as a simple way to work things out for my self . The man is just a stand-in for my self, and removing said man from this whole scenario will not require all that much work. It just means I need to focus more on me and less on men, as a lot of women do. However, I fear that maybe I am not that deep and that the man is not actually a stand-in for my self. Instead, he really is the only reason I have these thoughts, that there is no self and I do not have any real thoughts on my own. Maybe I am like a quantum particle, only existing here when I’m being observed.
So tell me now if I should let go. Tell me now because I’m falling fast into this cocoon of security and of comfort. For once, I move away and you pull me closer. I used to sit by with a sinking heart as I watched your mind float away into a tormented world I had no place in. You seem to have left that behind you because you’re always here now, but will you stay?
I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I want to hold on, I want to believe it and I want to feel you. It feels real but I don’t know why it would be when transience has always been the essence of our story. I feel this affection is conditional, and the condition is that I act like a good little girl, that I don’t ruffle feathers, don’t cry too much or for the wrong reasons, that I’m always ready with a wet mouth aspiring to please and distract you. I’m not sure I can keep trying so desperately to prove I’m worthy a fidelity that may not even exist.